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the soul for comfort holds herself to be
inviolate; but like the blowing sands
that sift in shuttered houses, Christ’s demands
intrude and sting, deny her to be free.
she twists and turns but finds it vain to flee,
the living Word is in the very air,
she can’t escape a wound that’s everywhere,
she can but stand or yield - to ecstasy.
her Lord is seeking entrance; she must choose.
a thickening callus can withstand the pain
of this rough irritant, the sands that swirl
against her thus defied. but if she lose
her self, Christ enters in -
the sharp-edged grain of sand embedded grows a shining pearl.
-
i was running through the crisp early morning…the remains of a dark night skirting away as each individual ray of sunlight began to pierce through the day….brilliant rays of yellow and orange and white streaming through trees, over hilltops, peaking around clouds and ringing in a full brightness that was blinding to gaze into.
sometimes the sun is so warm and soothing i realize my eyes are closed while i’m running.
sometimes my body is so worn out that it’s really all i can do to keep them open.
running is tiresome. sometimes it is just so painful
….my lungs and my spirit prevail against the agonizing pain in my limbs…with each step they seem to yell out, “stop!”
there isn’t anything in my body that enables me to run…i’m blessed with that ability, with the fact that i CAN…that i’m not paralyzed or disabled or ill in any way….
but when it all comes down to it my health fails, my body fails, but there is something inside me that seems to come out in this moment…
it greets the brilliant sun rays and pushes my legs to keep moving because its so much greater than i….
The Lord Savior who rose from the dead, with all His power and majesty resides in me. My temple, when set on this race to glorify Him, can do anything.
…this is when my vision started.
All of a sudden the crunch of the gravel tread under my foot fell away…the path i was on seemed to rise and the verses were spoken boldly in my head:
“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” - isaiah 40:29-31
suddenly my breathing became easy… and it was almost as if that was the only sound i heard…my legs went numb as i picked up speed..and instead of the burn and the ache, i felt lifted…i literally felt as if i was flying, floating over the surface of the ground….
He was carrying me.
then i saw a brightness…
it was as if He was translating the sun rays into something else…His glory…and it was waiting for me…I was running with everything in me and yet He was carrying it out. it was effortless. all the pain had melted away and with the last ounces of my tired spirit falling away i had a glimpse of the ecstasy of eternal and final accomplishment….where i knew that the Lord had carried me through that place…that time when it was hard…and i knew that must be the feeling of coming home.
When i go home to my Father in heaven it will be as if i’ve reached that last mile, that last sprint of the big race…
the light will stream in little by little…and with each stride…the pain will fall away…
all of a sudden, all that was taking every effort will take no effort at all…
just the sound of my breath as it speaks “Yahweh“
inhale. exhale. light.
just the light of His Spirit streaming down upon me, encompassing me, grasping for me, longing for me to be launched into His loving embrace…
a physical, tangible, face to face encounter with the Savior…
at last, it is finished. it has been carried out to completion. i can rest. and feel accomplished and whole in the arms of my Savior.
the struggle of my hearts deepest desire, its uncontent state, its longing to be united with its perfect Creator will at last be contented with the presence of my Savior, my Lover, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Father….home at last.
oh how i crave that day.
-
something about time lapse videos really intrigue me.
it amazes me to see nature moving, as if it is dancing, so alive.
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“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”
-Victor Hugo
are you convicted?
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as i am motionless, He moves.
as i am helpless, He helps.
as i am hopeless, He hopes.
as i am careless, He cares.
as i am forgetful, He remembers.
as i am broken, He heals.
as i am loveless, He loves.
as i am lifeless, He lives.
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in order to progress, one must first remain still.
in order to grow, one must first remain rooted.
in order to run, one must first remain standing.
in order to exhale, one must first inhale.
in order to live, one must first die.
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to be.
its a concept so alien.
be.
live.
breathe.
this moment.
the current air that expands your lungs and rises your chest.
the oxygen flooding into your veins and arteries and reaching to each corner of your body.
these intricate weavings of our nature we don’t give a second thought on the average daily….
are all gifts.
are all current gifts.
i’m anti green grass.
this grass is fine.
this grass is current.
how am i even supposed to know that on the other side of the fence there is grass at all?
but its always:
whats next?
whats more?
how does it end?
how does it turn out?
how can it be better?
how can i attain more?
how can i get what i want?
where will you be in 5 years?
10 years?
what is your major?
who is your boyfriend?
do you love him?
when will you get married?
when will you have kids?
do you want kids?
what will you do to ensure stability?
what kind of job would you want?
what are you doing to get that job?
who do you know?
whats next for you?
whats for dinner?
what are you going to do in the next 5 minutes?…in which you may walk to class by yourself and must occupy yourself by an iPod or you could call someone… something to fill in the gaps. the gaps in which the silence threatens to strangle…
fill in the gaps of space and time that cannot, most certainly, cannot be empty…
…what if we just threw all of that away
and breathed.
what if we chose to throw all of the questions all of the expectations out of the window…
our parents would hate it.
our friends would hate it.
they would hate it.
what if we just stopped.
what if instead of asking the questions…
we soaked in the oxygen,
the flow of life that swirls around us and envelopes us and cradles us in this moment of time.
in this moment of time,
what if we took a breath.
what if we inhaled.
what if we exhaled.
and lived.
and was.
and existed.
in this.
moment.
now.
currently.
….
or will we cringe and choke on the silence.
from the emptiness.
why do we feel the need to fill it?
we’re turning circles everyday.
occupying our consciousness with what ifs, what nexts, and what laters that we have absolutely zero control over.
down with the green grass.
lets just stick with the grass we knowwe have.
…and instead of peering over the fence,
making assumptions and expectations of what could be over the fence,
the mystery,
the unknown,
lets run, revel, play, romp, frolic and roll in the grass together.
lets lay still,
feeling each blade as it softly tickles our skin,
allowing the world to spin and turn and rotate,
allowing the clouds to float lazily by,
allowing the motion of time and life to press on at its own pace while we lay simply,
while we keep still. while we exist.
letting it soak in.
take time and enjoy.
filled with joy.
filled with peace.
with harmony.
a harmony that accompanies the perfect melody of the fabrication of time and space that our Creator has woven into a beautiful intricate symphony for our ears to hear and our eyes to see…in the current grass.
down with the green grass.
choose, to be.
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they say he’s the only spouse who comes every day. every meal…
they keep telling him to take a break…
but he says the only time he is happy is when he is there with her.
there’s a dead look to her. a dead stare about her piercing blue eyes. those tiny oasis’s framed by white wrinkles.
they are fixed into space on points unseen. focusing hard, determined to grasp, to understand, to remember…
her skeletal frame sits uncomfortably in her wheelchair. she doesn’t move unless someone moves for her.
he brings each shaking spoonful to her mechanical lips with patience. watching the shell of the wife he once knew and loved and held dear and understood and could hear and could speak with, barely hang on to get through the meal.
he never complains. he never loses hope. he never gives up.
he loves her. more than humans are capable of. this is how i know that my grandad is filled with the Holy Spirit and that he is dependent on the Lord for his strength.
Jesus came to us in our need. when we couldn’t remember Him. when our minds were foggy, when our sight was fixed upon things that didn’t matter…that didn’t even exist…
and He loved us all the more.
grandad comes everyday, every meal.
the aids could do that. its their job, they do it for all the others staying there…
but he cares. and even though grandmom may have no idea that it is her hero husband afterall, jack who is taking care of her and providing for her and loving her unconditionally…he does it anyways because he loves her, still.
and every once in a while, the sweetest thing happens,
those deep blue swirling eyes come into focus. they are alive and vibrant and they lock contact with him. at that moment, the tense discomfort and strain that normally paints her face is alleviated. and a bright toothy smile lights up her countenance. sometimes there’s even a mumble and a chuckle to accompany.
In that beautiful moment, it clicks, just for a moment, she snaps back from her mindless reverie, from the cloudy consciousness she so often inhabits.
and there, in that moment, she understands.
its written all over her face.
She doesn’t need words to say what is written, she expresses it so beautifully and i think it says something like:
”I know you. I love you. Thank you.”
i hope that i would snap out of my earthly reverie.
i hope that i would express that to my Lover who never leaves me.
i hope that i would truly know The One who loves me.
deuteronomy 31:8
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
-esv
“God is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t worry.”
-the message
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there’s a mumble, a buzzing of chatter within the theater as the strings randomly chime in. vibrations which translate to notes flying through the air to greet the busied ears of the unseated audience….
finally as each string is held stationary by its owner, the conductor seizes control and with just the slight issue of his wrist, the nod of his head and the lifting of his elbows something miraculous takes place.
each instrumentation playing its own simple piece strung together in a harmonious chord, melody, music so thick, so rich, that every emotion in my soul is evoked and manifested into the tears that issue from my eyes onto my unbelieving cheeks.
I’ve never witnessed anything so beautiful.
After experiencing this drought this storm, this hard place of realization, after groaning for days upon days in the tent of existence, the corrupted world in which i’m enslaved to…this moment, i was struck by the complete redemption. complete utter joy and beauty.
music.
this inexplicable, emotional, outpouring of feelings can only be from God.
When we didn’t have words to write, when we were speechless, music was invented, and from it are brought forth the emotions, the feelings, the sensitivities that we never knew existed from deep within our very beings.
parts of my heart have been summoned as never before, through the strings of the orchestra.
