claire de lune

he was so frail. so small. so helpless. so hopeless.

so weak, that weak is an exaggerated understatement…

his skeletal frame shivered in my arms as his tiny parched tongue stroked every inch of skin it could reach…it was as if he was doing everything he could, all that he could, spending every last ounce of energy in displaying his love for me.

it was almost as if he was saying “i appreciate you. i appreciate you. thank you. thank you. i love you. i love you.”

after they gave him the small injection in his old, stubborn, microscopic vein, it was only a matter of seconds until the tremor in his body ceased,

until his paws were completely still,

until his tongue was forever motionless,

until his ears were no longer alert,

and his glassy eyes were fixed…
silence interrupted by quiet sobs filled the cold, tile room.

I think the reason why i can’t get this picture out of my head….the reason why i still have dreams about him….the reason why my heart breaks every time i see a Yorkshire Terrier….is because i see so much of myself in Marley.

the weak, fading, temporary, helpless, dependent creature that he was…is a picture of me.

I can’t do anything on my own…..
i can’t even have proper emotions on my own…
i can’t even feel without being prompted by the Holy Spirit…and sometimes my feelings (probably most of the time) are completely twisted, corrupted, and tainted by my sinful nature.

OH LORD,
deliver me from this body of corruption.
from this mind of selfishness.
from this heart of pride.
from this life’s pursuit of personal gain.

all i want is YOU.
all i want is to be OBEDIENT.
all i want is your Spirit.
Your eyes.
Your ears.
Your emotions.
Your feelings.
Your thoughts.
Your will.
Your love.
Your peace.
YOU.

so that when i’m laid down, when my weak efforts of gratitude are last shown….YOU will be glorified in my flesh. and I will at last KNOW you.

romans 7:18…for i know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. for i have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out…

romans 8:10…but if Christ is in you, although the body is DEAD because of sin, the SPIRIT is LIFE because of righteousess.